New Rule: Stop the pop-up ads for Classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People were acting all shocked when a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the schmuck ordering it. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge schmuck.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too exciting. What’s next, competitive farting?
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s looting without a disaster area.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t care in the first place, I was just making conversation.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Blog Archive
-
▼
2008
(30)
-
▼
May
(15)
- What I Learned Last Night At The Movies..
- Carrie Bradshaw Quote..
- For The Obama Fans...
- Some New Life Rules
- Memorial Day Weekend
- Saturday Discovery In The Kitchen!
- Inner Peace
- My New Windows
- Stuff You Need To Know, Today!
- Things You Should Know, But Probaby Don’t…
- Need $17 Thousand Bucks?
- Things I Have Learned From My Mom
- Top 10 signs you’re at a bad barbecue
- My Day At The US Post Office!
- The First Post!
-
▼
May
(15)
No comments:
Post a Comment